The Green Happiness – Zondag met Lubach (S05)

The Green Happiness – Zondag met Lubach (S05)

October 31, 2019 100 By William Morgan


later, a lot more about prince’s day and other general observations
but first, I want to talk about something that
a lot of teenage girls, and adult girls
feel insecure about.
And me too, when I’m feeling a bit down
Food. So … dinner’s ready!
I eat quite healthy, pay attention
I eat the way the nutrition centre advises me to.
Lots of vegetables, two pieces of fruit,
Umm what else, milk, yoghurt,
a handful of nuts,
a bit more fish, less meat and little fat
But, I can imagine that you’d think: ‘All those nutrition advises.
‘I can’t see the wood for trees anymore’.
“There’s so much said about healthy food
that you sometimes cannot see the wood for the trees anymore”
“There are so many claims
that you eventually can’t see the wood for the trees.”
“It’s not so weird that we can’t see the wood for the trees every now and then.”
“I understand that there is a lot of confusion, it’s kind of like a jungle.”
Yeah! It’s a real jungle!
And last week, in that jungle
two little, fresh trees appeared in the NRC.
In the NRC…Well, in a NRC
‘I thought that we were eating healthy’
This is an interview with the women behind
‘Green Happiness’:
Tessa Moorman and Merel von Carlsburg
That sounds like a viking and a non-alcoholic beer, but
they are dieticians with many of followers on Instagram
And everyone was talking about that interview, so I decided to read it too
“Do you eat like the nutrition centre advises you to?
Lots of vegetables, two pieces of fruit, milk and yoghurt, a handful of nuts,
less meat, more fish and little fat?
And you though you were doing well? Well, you’re not.”
What the fuck!?
Don’t worry, this was all stunt fruit
Except for this egg, which is real. Because I can still eat this.
Yumm, neat.
“What do you eat if you want to become green and happy?
No dairy, in any case
because that will sour the body. No eggs,
‘the menstruation of a chicken'”
The menstruation of a chicken!?
Where did you get that idea?
“Yeah, if you think about it.” -“How?”
“It’s like an egg, right?
‘It comes from the uterus, it’s released
and then it ends up on your plate.
Ever thought about it?”
No, I have never thought about that, so I’ll do that right now.
Give me a moment.
“Silence Please”
So you have a chicken.
Chickens are birds,
so, they’re not mammals.
Birds don’t even have a uterus,
so they don’t menstruate at all.
I thought about it!
It’s just rubbish, it’s nonsense,
it’s ‘trijf’. Do you know ‘trijf’? Old Dutch word
it means ‘nonsense’. Yeah, what a “trijf”
You can forget that immediatly, not important
I was still curious so I decided to buy their book “Your 50 days of Green Happiness”
And you might think ‘That’s just a big magazine’
But actually it’s just a printed out Instagram account for 54 euros
Which is quite cheap compared to their summer edition
because that costs 64 euros!
But to be honest, if you read past the spelling mistakes
you can actually find some outdated information in there.
Look, for example page 90
where we have “Famous Vegans”
they’re all famous vegans.
For example: the rhinoceros
Well-known vegan
Well, he’s almost extinct
Bill Clinton, there’s only one of those alive
Brangelina, which definitely doesn’t exist anymore!
I think it’s sloppy.
But that’s true if you look at this NRC interview
“They’re no scientists, they say.”
“They only tell you what you already knew deep inside.”
What you already knew deep inside.
How funny, that happens to be my favourite pick-up line
You’re into me. I’m no scientist, I’m only telling you what you already knew deep inside
It always works. I see three women in row three who just slipped to row one
Works every time
but okay, so Tessa en Merel are not scientists
Even worse, they make no difference between facts and misguided trijf!
They just write what comes to their minds
Literally
Their book is full of spelling and grammar mistakes
So bad that they needed to apologize on their website
And even that statement…
Well, read along! First sentence
“We are no languagegurus”
Yeah I noticed, that’s not how you write that… Goeroes is written with ‘oe’
Second sentence. “We do our best to get rid of all the mistakes
and work we with good editors”
Cashewnote to self: Don’t work with these editors anymore
And then you might think: ‘Arjen, these few mistakes,
what is your problem?’ Well, it gets worse
Because here, on their CV, they wrote
Orthomoleculaire dietician, applied kinesiology
That is nonsense, that’s quackery, but we’ll discuss that another time.
But, just below it, it says that they are BIG registered
The BIG register
is for professions in individual health, as some kind of quality mark
so you’re sure you’re dealing with
serious doctors and not with
a dyslectic nutrition girl.
And I looked it up, they’re not in it.
Even worse…
There are no dieticians in it at all.
Because the BIG register isn’t for dieticians,
It’s for doctors and pharmacists
So saying you’re BIG registered is misleading.
Okay, so these chicks aren’t as fresh as they appear
and this isn’t the only book
Here, all these young and hip women
on successful pictures and all with one big dream
Namely, that your diet is going to boost their wallets
And a very successful one of those is Rens Kroes
‘A big part is that the basis has to be healthy food.
You get energy out of it, you get power out of it.
And from there you can cheat that diet every now and then”
*Frisian accent* I understood it completely, Rens. I’ll call you tomorrow
It’ll be fine.
A bit closer to home another chick. Chris Verburg
“For breakfast I eat oatmeal
I eat some pieces of dark chocolate with it, some walnuts and fruit.”
Chris Verburg invented the “Food Hourglass”
En he gets to talk about his breakfast on TV
*Belgian accent* Allé, then it’s noon so it’s already lunch time.
Yes, yes Chris we get it.
Next hip diet: Paleo. Eating like a caveman
“You can forget macaroni and spaghetti
Rice and potatoes also don’t belong to the paleo-diet
So these types of products are not okay
Also your nice little Optimel and organic milk
is not paleo at all.
and of course this tasty breadroll with seeds and stuff, just leave those.”
Hey, wait a minute
Arjen no Optimel?
Wow, that sounds really limited
“I don’t like to think limiting like ‘Oh shit I can’t eat that anymore'”
Are you really sure?
What’s next? Eating nothing at all?
“The latest hype in dietland:
‘the fasting-diet’. The idea is that you
can eat whatever you want on five days of the week
and can eat nothing on the other two.
Our far ancestors did the same.”
Yeah, our ancient ancestors.
Where are they now, hm?
All dead.
Because they only lived up to 30.
And besides, do you know what our ancestors ate as well?
Each other!
And dieting is not a new phenomenon at all,
think about the old diet-gurus. Like Montignac
Atkinson, Dr. Frank, God
“Eve, leave those apples
apart from that you can have everything. Pick a delicious Optimelletje from that tree beside it.
Diets are timeless and for almost everyone.
“More than half of the women in the Netherlands are on a diet.
And for men it’s almost 40 percent.”
Wow, those are some fat
ehm, sorry, those are skinny percentages
And for all those people there’s diet books
full of nonsense, some of those
books have new and fresh nonsense
But there is also stubborn nonsense which returns all the time. And that’s why I now present:
The Ring of Nonsense (Trijf)
Yes, the Ring of Nonsense (Trijf)
Containing the most stubborn myths form diet-books. Like sugar
“Expel white table sugar.
There are really good alternatives for that
like honey or agave syrup or dates.
You could use those, or xilitol.
It’s all in my book.”
Yeah, you can’t open a diet-book wihtout being warned about bad sugars
But the kind of sugar that you eat
Like, crystalsugar, powdered sugar, cocoflower sugar, ahorn syrup, honey
It doesn’t matter for your body
Glucose, fructose, dextrose, saccharose
you get excactly the same amount of fat from all of those
Except for trombosis, that goes mainly to the legs.
So imagine, you don’t want to eat any sugar for a month to lose some weight.
So you search in the book of Rens Kroes,
Looking for a dish without sugar.
Then you see this ‘”Superfood icecake” and look at the ingredients and say “Yes, no sugar!”
She describes it herself as “überhealthy”
Überhealthy, that’s like you’re creating
a race of superior cakes, but alright.
That cake without added sugar
does contain ahorn syrup, dates and bananas
Which is all sugar too!
Besides, there is almost a kilogram of almonds in it
And I did the math and there are more than 9.000 calories in this cake.
9.000!
A woman that wants to lose weight only needs to consume 1.500 calories
a day, but 9.000!
That’s 18 big macs!
And Rens Kroes says
that you can eat a nice big slice of this fresh summer cake of 9.000 calories without sugar.

That is like when a child eats a Big Mac
and then you eat that child afterwards.
Without added sugars, but still.
Anyways, too much sugar gets you fat.
The form doesn’t matter
If it’s white and cubic, or bent and yellow
or brown and muscular. Sugar is sugar.
The myth that added sugars are worse than natural ones is nonsense.
And that brings us to the next myth:
Natural food is the best food there is
“Heeeeyyyy, look who’s home. Woop Woop!”
“Nutrition in her most natural form is the best fuel the body can get.”
“The thing is that
that you can eat everything
what mother nature brings us.”
Heeeyyyyyy! Want to know what mother nature also brings?
Well, hogweed
and anthrax. And asbestos
Nice and fresh asbestos.
My local shop on the corner still pulls it straight out of the ceiling.
Yummm, asbestos.
So this is pure nonsense as welll.
Speaking of natural, what about gluten?
“‘For almost all complaints that you can’t diagnose that quickly,
believe me, try eating gluten-free for at least four weeks
and a new world will open up to you’.
And yes, you can get ill from gluten.
Painful stomachaches, headaches, weariness and more.
Which is terrible…IF you’re allergic to it.
And that’s less than 1% of the population
The big source of fear of gluten
comes from the book “Bread stomach”
In there, gluten is called poison and the author talks about the “wheatlobby”
Ah yes, the wheatlobby. Like a kind of maffia
One bad word about gluten and you’re found next morning
in the trunk of a miller.
Dead, with a layer of bread-crumbs.
Sounds nice
So for most people
gluten-free food is pure nonsense.
And then, digestion-management like detoxing, for instance.
“If you start the day
by eating things that are very hard to digest
then you already create a traffic jam in your stomach
Like, if you eat a piece of fruit after your egg, then
that piece of fruit already wants to leave your stomach while your egg is still there.”
Hey watch out! That egg is still there, that kiwi wants to get through!
Almost a crash
So, this returns quite often with diet-gurus
The filth stays in your body
And there will be traffic jams in your intestines. And every now and then you need to detox, a juice-treatment or worse
“Cleaning, detoxing could be
a very good start of the new year
because then you’ll start with a clean body,
you break down all filth from the last month.”
Yeah, and that’s
just wrong too,
according to nutrition expert Martijn Katan.
“The entire inside of the intestines, for example
that is being completely cleaned every five days.’
Your body does that itself.
So the myth that your body needs help from outside to clean itself up,
is utter nonsense.
And now I hear a little voice saying “Arjen, Arjen, Arjen, I’ve tried it
,it works. I lost four kilograms,
I feel happy, my skin radiates like a newborn microwave.”
Of course! It works, it has been researched many many times,
every diet works approximately just as well.
And not because of the hip and new ideas about good sugars, gluten or all-naturel,
but because you think about what you eat a lot more
You eat less and that’s why you lose weight.
And now, you’re thinking: “Arjen, my mind is blown, I want to know more about this!”
That’s great. Because
I have also published a diet-book.
This is it.
It’s called “The Ring of Nonsense.
Eating better with Arjen Lubach”
Look, that’s me, and the book is full of..
yeah, empty white pages.
Oh, at the last page there are some lines
which say: “Eat varied and in moderation”.
Oh shit, there’s a spelling mistake
Oh man, I even used the very best editors.
This way I’ll never become a guru, ugh.
Anyways, stick to this book and you will lose weight.
It’s for sale at 320 euros at our website.
That’s nothing. And I even have a special winter-edition, look how awesome
The ladle also has a hat on, aww.
Well, this one was a bit more work so it costs 380 euros!
Buy it and you’ll be happy forever!
And later, after the broadcast, everyone in the audience, allegedly, will receive a
Copy of my book!
Hi, my name is Arjen Lubach, nice that you were watching
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