I Drank My Food Through A Straw For 7 Days And This Happened – Funny Food Challenge

August 30, 2019 0 By William Morgan


Keto diet, paleo diet, no-carb diet- the world
is full of suggestions on how to get healthier
and lose weight, but how are you supposed
to know what’s real and what’s bunk?
It’s another Challenge episode of The Infographics
Show, and today we’re going to help you on
your quest to live healthier by once more
using your favorite, and our least important,
staff writer as a human guinea pig as we challenge
him to drink his food through a straw for
a whole week!
Monday: Well, this is definitely a different
type of challenge, and I can’t say that I’m
upset about that.
The thirty day challenges can be kind of brutal,
and definitely take a toll on my personal
life, and by comparison doing a single week
seems like a cakewalk.
At least that’s until I really started to
think about the exact challenge- drinking
your food through a straw for a whole week.
I’m not much of a nutritionist, so this is
going to take some serious research to figure
out how to drink my food and not starve to
death.
I’ve done fasts before for a day or two at
a time, and typically the health nut girlfriend
will fix all kinds of juices to get us through
the fast, but I gotta admit that I’m always
left feeling absolutely famished even after
drinking a nice thick fruit smoothie.
I guess I’m just hard wired for solid food.
Fasts by the way turn out to have some pretty
great health benefits, it’s not all just new
age’y feel-good mumbo jumbo, and evolutionarily
they make a lot of sense.
In the wild you don’t get to eat as regularly
as we do in civilization, so everyone scoffing
a the idea of a fast for health benefits is
out of touch with reality.
So I’ve decided to break this challenge up
into days since I typically do weekly reporting.
This time I’ll just report on my day to day
meals and how I feel about not eating solid
food.
I have a little bit of a leg up since I’ve
worked closely with a pretty well known fitness
model as her photographer and videographer
and have the benefit of her health knowledge
rubbing off on me.
She used to fast for up to 72 hours at a time
and would regularly eat liquid meals during
her fast, so I’ll be passing on some of her
tips here in this challenge.
Hopefully they’ll be of help for anyone interested
in recreating this challenge themselves, or
just starting their own habit of fasting.
Today (monday) and tomorrow I’ll be following
a medical liquid meal diet which includes
hot cereal with milk, soup, more soup, and
oatmeal.
This already sounds so boring I want to kill
myself.
Wednesday and Thursday I’ll be drinking juices
from a juice cleanse diet and a few bottles
of Soylent, which you can order online as
a meal replacement.
Friday and Saturday I’m going to be eating
a milky rice thing that the girlfriend swears
by and learned to make in Spain, consomme,
and yogurt.
Sunday is the wild card, and I’m going to
be trying the one thing that I know everyone
watching this video is thinking of: eating
an actual meal through a straw.
In other words I’m going to take real breakfast,
lunch, and dinner options and put them in
a blender and try to eat them.
I expect this is going to be disgusting and
I am in no way looking forward to this, but
I thought it only fair because to be honest,
even I’m curious about what that would be
like.
If I clicked on this video I’d expect to see
someone actually try this, and lucky me, I
get to be that lab rat.
I’m already gagging thinking about what that’s
going to be like to be honest.
Well, see you guys in two days.
Tuesday: I’m not as hungry as I thought I
would be.
Typically when the girlfriend and I do a monthly
two day fast or something like that I’m always
starving because liquids just don’t fill me
up.
Either she’s the best liar in the world or
she really honestly feels completely satisfied
drinking just juices- she’s insane.
I thought that a liquid meal plan would basically
mean I’d be starving all the time, but turns
out oatmeal, hot cereal- which I found it
is different from oatmeal- and soup can be
pretty filling.
Then again I made my oatmeal pretty thick,
and I got clam chowder and tomato soup.
I was going to go for chicken noodle but there’s
no way I can slurp the noodles and chicken
up through a straw, and that’s the main stipulation
of this whole challenge.
Sucking up the oatmeal alone was a task and
a half and I swear I almost ruptured a lung
trying, but then I got the idea to run olive
oil through the straw first and it worked
like a charm.
Now I’m thinking about just buying a bigger
straw, pretty sure if I cut up steak small
enough I could suck it up through a large
straw… and no that’s not cheating, the rules
specifically say that the food has to be drank
through a straw, it’s not my fault Infographics
forgot to stipulate how large the straw could
be.
So far I feel.. fine I guess?
As far as challenges go this one’s pretty
easy, and for once the girlfriend is relieved
that the challenge isn’t something ridiculous/dangerous
and actually kind of healthy.
Thursday: Please send help, I am starving
to death.
The last two days have been the polar opposite
of the first two days.
Juices are terrible for filling you up, my
body literally craves solid food and I think
its actually eating itself.
I always get like this during a fast, but
I always tend to stuff my face immediately
after the 48 hours are up so I have something
to look forward to.
Typically we end our fasts early in the morning
after starting at around 5 am 48 hours prior,
so I’ll go for a huge breakfast burrito with
bacon and ham on the side, or a giant waffle
with syrup and lots of butter.
Oh my god I think I’m actually getting sexually
excited thinking about solid food.
Anyways, the point is having something to
look forward to can help you endure a fast,
but this time I don’t have anything to look
forward to but another three days of liquid
crap to drink up.
I’m so hungry the dog is starting to look
delicious, I honestly don’t understand how
people like yogis and monks can go for weeks
just drinking nothing but juices.
I need to immediately kill a wild animal and
eat it raw.
Now if you’ll excuse me I’m going to take
my phone into the bedroom and lock the door
while I look at pictures from a Denny’s breakfast
menu.
Saturday: If anyone offers you milk rice,
or arroz con leche, immediately throw it in
their face and run for your life, because
that person is not your friend and is trying
to hurt you.
Knowing how poorly I always do with just juice
and fruit smoothies during our fasts, the
girlfriend made me the milk rice thing she
learned from Spain, thinking it would be solid
enough to satisfy me.
A for effort, but it’s one of the most disgusting
things I’ve ever tasted, and I can’t fathom
how it was created.
Seriously, bear with me here and imagine the
following: some guy is sitting in his medieval
kitchen and staring at a sack of rice.
Then he looks at a pitcher of milk.
Then the rice again.
Then the milk.
Rice.
Milk.
Milk.
Rice.
And for some god-forsaken reason his primitive
little brain decides this will be a pretty
cool combination to try out, and millions
of people agree!
Rice does not belong with milk.
Ever.
It doesn’t even remotely ever come in contact
or in the proximity of milk in the wild, and
it is an abomination to combine the two.
Sorry, I feel like this all-liquid diet is
starting to wear on me and I’ve developed
an unreasonable hatred for milky rice.
I still ate it both days the girlfriend made
it though, because when you live with someone
in a long-term relationship you make those
kind of sacrifices when they think they’re
doing something really nice and sweet for
you, even if it kills your soul.
You just grin and suck more milk rice through
your straw, that’s called love, folks.
It’s a stupid invention but we’re stuck with
it.
Also though, I gotta admit, I crave literally
anything semi-solid, and the milky rice has
the consistency of pudding, which makes me
feel more full then juice ever did.
Thank god only one day left.
Sunday: Today was a disaster beyond measure.
Today was the day, D-day, the day literally
all of you have stayed tuned for- what’s it
like to drink a real meal through a straw.
You think you know, you think you have some
vague idea of how disgusting it would be to
blend together a cheeseburger and then suck
it up through a straw.
You know nothing.
You are ignorant of the pain and suffering
that is life.
I decided that this was the most important
part of the challenge, and it was only fair
to give it as good a try as possible.
To that end I went online and had a menu for
breakfast, lunch, and dinner automatically
generated on a meal planning website, and
then let it randomly select a dish for me.
My rules were simple: whatever it selected
I would make, I would stick in a blender,
and I would drink as much as I could.
You think you know how disgusting this was,
you know nothing.
For breakfast I was automatically assigned
pancakes, a delicious treat of fluffy bread
stacks topped with syrup and melting butter-
if there’s a meal more traditionally American
than that I don’t know what it is, aside from
apple pie I guess?
Normally pancakes are an absolute favorite
of mine, a real treat that I look forward
to and enjoy with all my heart.
Today, pancakes were hell.
I made them the way I normally do, even topped
them with butter which I let melt and then
poured syrup liberally all over them.
Next, I took the delicious smelling stack
of flapjacks and stuck them straight into
the blender, set to the highest setting, and
mixed.
The pancakes turn into a brownish-whitish
goop which vaguely smells like syrup, a bit
like butter, and looks 100% like vomit.
The first problem was immediately obvious-
it was way too thick to suck through a straw
and I nearly had a coronary until the girlfriend
suggested I ‘water it down’ somehow.
First I tried just pouring more syrup in,
but that barely did anything to dilute the
thick sludge.
Then I resorted to milk, and after another
thorough blending that did the trick.
Let me tell you, it wasn’t pleasant, but I
did manage two mouthfuls before I had to quit.
The smell and even the taste remind you you’re
eating pancakes, but the sludge in your mouth
makes you think you’re eating pancake vomit.
For lunch I randomly selected bean burrito,
and I was more relieved than you can know.
It almost felt like a cheat because let’s
face it, a good bean burrito is already halfway
to being drinkable with a straw.
I fixed up the beans and rice, added sour
cream, wrapped it up in a flour tortilla,
and into the blender it went.
If the blended pancakes were awful, the bean
burrito was… actually not that bad.
It was actually easier to drink up because
the taste of the beans is so powerful, it
really just felt like a thick bean paste which
I had to water down with salsa to make it
easier to drink.
I managed a few mouthfuls until I made the
mistake of looking down at the beanie slushie
I was drinking which reminded me of drunk
vomit and I nearly lost it.
Next was dinner.
I don’t want to talk about dinner.
We shouldn’t talk about dinner.
Dinner was hell.
I randomly selected a cheeseburger, which
made me really happy because I’d kill for
a cheeseburger right now, but then I remembered
how I had to eat my cheeseburger.
I was already pre-gagging before I was even
done cooking it.
I decided that fair was fair, so I made a
cheeseburger and topped it with lettuce – mistake,
mayo – mistake, ketchup – mistake, and even
some bacon strips – even bigger mistake.
Then you guessed it, into the blender it went.
I almost ralphed the moment I saw this beautiful,
amazing, delicious cheeseburger turn into
a brownish sludgy mix.
There were streaks of different shades of
brown, like a poop rainbow, and even before
I sucked some of it up I knew that this was
the moment I would regret this stupid, idiot
challenge.
I pressed on regardless, and the girlfriend
watched me with her mouth slightly open incredulous
that I was actually going to do it.
She had bet me I wouldn’t dare after I saw
what the blended mess looked like.
Well, I proved her wrong.
Sort of.
The moment the meat sludge hit my mouth, I
lost it.
I puked up some juice I had in my stomach
straight into the blender cup, and then the
smell of the blended cheeseburger and fruity
juice both hit my nose at the same time and
I ralphed again.
The girlfriend went bright red on seeing me
go a second time and she ran away to the bathroom,
I heard her dry heaving for a while afterwards.
I can’t explain to you the mixture of taste
and smell of blended meat, and I’m already
gagging remembering it.
That’s it, my challenge is over and I can
finally go back to eating like a normal human
being.
For anyone curious I did manage to lose a
pound and a half, but was it worth it?
No.
I hate juice now, and I hate milk rice, and
I hate whoever invented the blender.
I’m starving but way too nauseous to eat,
and I don’t think I’ll ever be able to smell
a burger again without vomiting.
Challenge over.
Would you ever try a blended meal through
a straw?
Think you got what it takes?
Let us know in the comments, and as always
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