Game Day Artichoke Dip – You Suck at Cooking (episode 71)

Game Day Artichoke Dip – You Suck at Cooking (episode 71)

August 8, 2019 100 By William Morgan


Hhhhh *stretch*
*crick* Mmmmm *crack*
♫You suck at cooking, yeah you totally suck♫
So we’re gonna take some Parmesan cheese,
get that grated into smithereens,
and then put 1 cup of that Parmesan into a bowl
*ding ding*
Then, we’re gonna crack open a couple of mayo pods
Usually, two is enough to get a 1/2 cup
Throw that in the bowl, aaand…
then a 1/2 cup of sour cream.
You basically want 1 cup of Parmesan
to 1 cup of wet stuff.
That could be a cup of Parm,
1/2 cup mayo, 1/2 cup greek yogurt
That could be 1/2 cup Parmesanio,
1/3 mayo, 1/3 sour cream, 1/3 greek yogurt
Could be 1 cup Parmesanezia,
1/2 cup mayo, 1/2 cup sour cream,
1/2 cup cream cheese
If you’re a maniac, it can be 1 cup Parmesanana
and 1 cup mayo
or it could be 1 cup Parmesan to 1/2 cup mayo
and a 1/2 cup water with white food coloring in it
Y O U D E C I D E
Then, you’re gonna need a leek
and because it’s game day,
I’m gonna chop this with my Knifesketball™
It’s far more efficient
than a conventional chopping knife because…
you utilize the bounce, which basically chops it for you
and this is a great example
of why physics is a good thing,
and not a bad thing.
I’m gonna take some garlic, aaaand…
because it’s game day,
I’m gonna use my Shredminton Racket™
These things are amazing at picnics.
To combine this, I’m gonna use my official
2018 Federer Edition Grand Slamjangler™
They only made a hundred thousand of these.
I’m gonna crack *tss* open a cold one *khh*
with the boys *fffsssshhhhhhhh*
and because it’s game day,
I’m gonna cut these up with my…
chopping knife
*cutting these up with a Chopping Knife™ intensifies*
Let’s add in those artichokes,
some salt,
some pepper pepper pepper…
and because it’s game day,
I’m gonna throw in a slash a Hocksauce™
There’s a lot of other things you could add to this:
basil, roasted red pepper, sun-dried tomato, jalapeño,
anything you think might taste good
even though you’re wrong
aaaand we’re gonna…
pour this into a shallow baking dish
that I stole from my sister without telling her
but that’s how you get for taking back the Vitamix
Undoh’s on four hundo,
and we’re gonna let that bake
until the top starts to brown.
If you don’t have an undoh
or you want to save money on electricity,
you can just chuck it in a hot car for a few hours…
and then once you eat it,
you can drive yourself directly to the hospital.
*S L A M*
While that’s baking,
we’re gonna get ready for the big game.
I’ve got my mini keg… helmet,
so I won’t have to get up too often to get another drink
I’ve got my catheter,
so I won’t have to get up at all…
Got my game day shirt
Everyone knows I’m a HUGE Glitterbacks fan
If they win—OH, this stuff’s gonna be EVERYWHERE!
I’ve got my let’s party sign so everyone knows…
It’s time to party
I’ve got my emotional guidance chart
so I remember how to respond
depending on how the game goes
I got my lucky football for my second favorite team
*Windows shutdown sound*
Go on MVP—
*bluescreen of silence*
If we win, I’ve got some extra beer to celebrate with
If we lose, I’ve got…
some extra beer to drink
I got my ref insult practice station here
Hey, ref!
Why don’t you STOP being a jack wagon,
and start REFFING for once in your life!
High five, high five, high five, high five
Hey, ref!
You couldn’t ref, even if you had
very, specific, reffing instructions
that told you how to DO it right!
High five, high five, high five, high five
Now, the final step to getting ready for the big game
is to make sure everyone knows who the alpha is.
I do that by wearing my yellow belt,
so every dude in the room knows I can take him.
If you’re wearing one of these,
you’re not gonna get challenged
99 out of a thousand times.
I got my eye drops
I put an entire bottle in each eye
so that I will not, blink, once.
And the most important quality of the alpha is height
If you’re only 7′ 2″ like me,
you’re gonna need a pair of alpha pumps.
This allows me to tower over everybody
These things are a little tricky to walk in,
so if I’m having a cocktail,
I throw it in a sippy cup…
because if I spill something,
that clumsiness will immediately open up a challenge
to my alpha authority.
*B I G S I P P*
If someone DOES decide to challenge you,
put your foot down, stay calm,
and reveal your “I’m the alpha” shirt
underneath your game day shirt.
If the dude won’t back down,
slip him 20 bucks and say,
“Hey man, is it cool if… I’m the alpha, just for today?
I mean, like, I made all the snacks, it’s my apartment,
and it would… really mean a lot, uh, to me…
i-i-if you’re cool with that.”
This works every time.
So now that we know a hundred percent
who the alpha is,
I’m gonna get back in the kitchen and check on that dip.
*graceful alpha walk*
*reverb on* Observe how the dip is
lightly golden crusted, bubbling steadily
like a hot mayo and artichoke volcano.
*reverb off* You can eat this with crackers,
you can eat this with tortilla chips…
I’m gonna eat this with cauliflower,
since I’m totally getting ripped on keto right now
Just throw in a bit of a…
game day golf ball garnish here…
and let’s get out there and, uh, go sports!
♫ SPORTS! ♫ SPORTS! ♫ SPORTS! ♫
♫ Let’s play sports! ♫
♫ BOOKS! ♫ BOOKS! ♫ BOOKS! ♫
♫ Let’s read books! ♫
♫ Let’s play sports and let’s read books and ♫
♫ be well-rounded human beings! ♫
♫ SPORTS! ♫
♫ BOOKS! ♫
♫ SPORTS! ♫