Ellen’s Favorite Moments with Melissa McCarthy

Ellen’s Favorite Moments with Melissa McCarthy

August 6, 2019 100 By William Morgan


– SOMEONE RECENTLY ASKED ME
WHO MAKES ME LAUGH,
AND THE PERSON
WHO MAKES ME LAUGH
MORE THAN ANYONE ELSE
IN THE WORLD IS ME,
BUT ANOTHER PERSON THAT ALWAYS
TICKLES MY FUNNY BONE
IS MELISSA MCCARTHY.
AND HERE ARE A COUPLE
OF MY FAVORITE MOMENTS WITH HER.
I UNDERSTAND WE BOTH ENJOY
MOVING A LOT.
– YES, MY POOR, POOR HUSBAND
DOES NOT ENJOY IT
THE SAME WAY I DO…
– OH, THAT’S A SHAME.
– BUT, YEAH, I CAN’T–
I COULD NEVER EVEN
THINK ABOUT, LIKE,
A HOUSE THAT’S FULLY DONE.
– WOW, SO–
– I WANT TO, LIKE,
REDO EVERYTHING.
– DO YOU ENJOY
THE CONSTRUCTION PART OF IT
OR THE DESIGNING INSIDE PART?
– YES.
– MM-HMM.
– ALL OF IT.
YEAH, IT NEVER ENDS.
AND WE’RE PUTTING UP A FENCE
IN FRONT, AND–
WHICH I HAVE–I DON’T KNOW
IF I’M GONNA BE ABLE TO KEEP
THE SAME GUYS
THAT ARE ALWAYS HELPING ME
AND DO A GREAT JOB ‘CAUSE I’VE–
– WHY IS THAT?
– WELL, I DID A LITTLE SOMETHING
THAT’S A BIT ODD.
I WAS COMING DOWN–
IT HAS TO START WITH SPANX,
SO I APOL–
OKAY, I’LL JUST START
AT THE BEGINNING.
I WAS TOLD TO BRING IN
THESE SPANX–
WE ALL–A LOT OF US WEAR THEM
OCCASIONALLY FOR SOME THINGS.
– WAIT A MINUTE.
TOLD TO BRING THEM IN TO WORK?
– WELL, THERE’S A CERTAIN KIND
THAT I LIKED,
AND THEY KEPT SAYING,
“JUST TELL ME THE–
I NEED THE STYLE NUMBER.
WILL YOU BRING THEM IN?”
AND THEN, LIKE, TWO WEEKS GO BY,
AND I KEEP FORGETTING,
AND I FEEL LIKE A DINGBAT.
SO I’M IN MY ROOM
GETTING READY FOR WORK,
AND I SEE THEM, AND I WAS LIKE,
“JUST PUT THEM ON.
“CLEARLY YOU CAN’T TAKE THEM
AND PUT THEM IN YOUR PURSE,
“SO YOUR PUNISHMENT
IS TO JUST PUT THEM ON
AND WEAR THEM IN TO WORK.”
SO I GET READY,
AND I ALWAYS LEAVE FOR WORK
KIND OF LIKE A SHERPA.
I HAVE, LIKE, A BAG OF THIS,
A BAG OF THINGS I THINK
I’M GONNA GET DONE WHICH DON’T.
I JUST CARRY IT BACK AND FORTH
FROM WORK–FROM WORK TO HOME.
SO I HAVE, LIKE, THREE BAGS,
THREE BAGS.
I HAVE A MESSENGER BAG
ACROSS ME.
AND I’M COMING DOWNSTAIRS,
AND THE GUYS ARE OUT FRONT
BUILDING THE FENCE.
AND IT’S KIND OF SPRINKLING OUT,
SO I WAS SHOCKED TO SEE THEM.
IT WAS SO NICE.
AND I’M COMING DOWN THE STAIRS,
AND I WAS LIKE, “WHICH BAG
IS PULLING SOMEWHERE?”
LIKE, IT’S PULLING A SWEATER,
AND I’M–
LIKE, I CAN’T EVEN LOOK
TO SEE WHAT’S PULLING ME
BECAUSE I’VE GOT TOO MANY BAGS.
AND SO I COME DOWN THE STAIRS,
AND I SEE THE GUYS.
I’M LIKE,
“HEY, GOOD MORNING, GUYS.”
AND THEY’RE JUST LIKE…
AND I THINK
THEY’RE ACTING WEIRD.
AND I WAS LIKE,
“GOD, DO THEY THINK
I’VE MADE THEM BE HERE
ON A RAINY DAY?”
I’M THINKING
IT’S ABOUT THE RAIN.
AND THEN I’M STANDING THERE,
AND I HAVE ALL THESE BAGS,
SO I’M KIND OF SHIFTING
BACK AND FORTH,
AND I’M CHATTING,
AND I’M LIKE,
“THE FENCE IS LOOKING GREAT.”
IT’S REALLY”–
AND THEY’RE ONLY LOOKING, LIKE,
TOP OF HAIR AND UP.
AND IT’S REALLY ODD
‘CAUSE THEY’RE ONLY DOING THIS.
AND NOW I’M LOOKING AT MY ROOF
‘CAUSE I THINK, LIKE,
“WHAT’S UP THERE?
“LIKE, IS THERE SOME–
IS THERE, LIKE, A CAT
ON THE ROOF?”
AND SO I’M LINGERING.
I’M NOW TURNING AROUND FULLY.
AND THEN ALL OF A SUDDEN,
I THINK–
I’M STANDING THERE,
AND I GO TO REARRANGE A BAG,
AND I LOOK DOWN.
MY SWEATER
IS NOW UP AROUND HERE.
NOTHING BUT FLESH-COLORED SPANX.
– WHERE ARE YOUR PANTS?
– I SEE–
OH, I’LL GET THERE.
FLESH-COLORED SPANX.
I SEE BARE KNEECAPS.
AND THEN MY PANTS
ARE SOMEWHERE, LIKE, LOW CALF.
AND I’M NOT KIDDING.
IT WAS HORRIFYING.
AND THESE POOR GUYS WERE LIKE…
AND I’M SITTING THERE.
I’D BEEN, LIKE,
SHIFTING BACK AND FORTH.
I’M LIKE–
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
AND I’M TURNING AROUND LIKE–
AS IF THIS WASN’T ENOUGH,
I WAS LIKE,
“YOU BETTER CHECK THIS OUT.”
– LAST TIME MELISSA WAS HERE,
I SAID THAT I WANTED TO BE
IN THE SEQUEL TO “BRIDESMAIDS,”
SO I WROTE UP A LITTLE SCENE,
AND WE’RE GONNA PERFORM IT
FOR YOU RIGHT NOW.
BY THE WAY, MELISSA
HAS NOT SEEN ANY OF IT,
BUT I THINK SHE’S GONNA BE OKAY.
[cheers and applause]
OKAY.
HURRY, MEGAN,
WE HAVE TO GET TO YOUR WEDDING
SO THAT YOU CAN MARRY
THE AIR MARSHAL
THAT YOU MET ON THE PLANE
IN THAT FIRST MOVIE.
– I KNOW, JANET,
MY LONG-LOST SISTER.
– I’M SO HAPPY
WE FOUND EACH OTHER.
I KNEW YOU HAD TO BE MY SISTER
THE SECOND I ACCIDENTALLY
HIT YOU WITH MY CAR.
– ENOUGH ABOUT THAT.
WE NEED TO GET TO MY WEDDING
AND FAST.
– HEY, WATCH OUT
FOR THAT LOW–THAT BRANCH.
CAREFUL.
I’M SO HAPPY FOR YOU.
YOUR WEDDING
IS GONNA BE SO BEAUTIFUL,
AND NOTHING’S GONNA STOP US
FROM GETTING THERE.
– NOT EVEN THAT GIANT PILE
OF LEAVES?
– NOT EVEN THAT.
– OH, MY GOD!
WHAT ARE THOSE?
– OH, MARTY, IT’S GOOD LUCK
TO GET ATTACKED BY BATS
ON YOUR WAY TO THE WEDDING.
IT’S TOTALLY FINE.
[bats squeaking]
– MOTHER OF MR. BOJANGLES.
– RELAX.
THEY’RE GONE.
BRANCH.
– OH, MY GOD.
IS THAT WHAT I THINK IT IS?
– THAT’S RIGHT.
WE’RE HEADING STRAIGHT TOWARDS
THE FINISH LINE OF A MARATHON.
THAT’S ALL RIGHT.
IT’S GOOD LUCK.
[horns honking]
– YOU FEEL A STORM COMING ON?
– NO, BUT IT SURE LOOKS FOGGY
OVER THERE ON YOUR SIDE
OF THE STREET.
WELL, THIS IS SO WEIRD.
WHY IS THERE A PERFUME TESTER
OUT HERE?
THAT’S WEIRD, TO HAVE
A PERFUME TESTER OUT HERE.
– OH!
WHAT’S EVEN WEIRDER IS,
SHE’S COMING BACK BY YOU.
– NO.
– SHE’S COMING BACK BY YOU.
– NO, SHE’S NOT.
– I DON’T KNOW.
I DON’T KNOW WHY I’M DRIVING
SO CLOSE
TO AN OPEN FIRE HYDRANT.
– OH.
OH, I’VE GOT BAD NEWS.
LOOK AT THOSE CLOUDS.
THEY LOOK LIKE RAIN CLOUDS.
– OVER BOTH OF US, I HOPE.
WELL, JUST AS LONG
AS THERE’S NO HAIL
THE SIZE OF PING-PONG BALLS.
– OH, I DON’T THINK
THERE COULD BE.
OH, LOOK, WE MADE IT.
LET’S GO GET YOU MARRIED.
BRANCH.
[dramatic music]
[cheers and applause]